Analysis of Change in Writing: Subject F
Subject F struggled with organization and idea development in her initial assessment. However, with each writing task, her organization and idea development improved and the final assessment reflects a greater understanding of composition structure. The prompt, “What motivates people to change?’ was explored in a wandering unfocused manner and strayed into several possible thesis statements. It was hard to follow one thread of central meaning in the essay, eventually becoming a discussion of fear of change rather than a thesis about the motivating factors of change.
“What motivates people to change? I believe it’s different for different personalities and life experiences. For me, change is difficult and uncomfortable. I often feel fearful to take that first step and many times once I take the first step I don’t always finish it to the end. I know I cannot change without God in my life. God is my inner strength that gets me through each day and helps me to take those steps to change. And of course one must have dreams to change.”
After this introduction, a paragraph that might have been a subconcept for a thesis about change was crossed out and the next paragraph moved on to focus on fear before touching briefly on God at the very end.
“Fear holds us back from change. Fear of the unknown can be scary even for the most secure person. We can allow fear to rise up to a place that is ridiculous. I have always had a fear of hornets. I remember being at my house early in the morning with my new baby and driving to my mother’s house because there was a hornet in my kitchen. I was so afraid of the buzzing noise. I grabbed the baby and the diaper bag and ran out of the house. It did not matter what anyone would tell me.”
The paragraph eventually moved on to say that it took “God giving me the inner strength to finally get to the point where I can now kill a bee or hornet.” However the way was winding and left the reader asking questions.
The final body paragraph did discuss the idea of dreams as a motivator for change and Subject F went on to describe her own dream to finish college and receive a degree. The conclusion was a one-sentence restatement of the thesis.
Writing Task 1 demonstrated a greater awareness of the need for a strong central idea and an essay that clearly developed and supported that central idea throughout, using transitions and tight paragraph structure to lend to the clarity. For her thesis for this essay, Subject F wrote, “Overuse of antibiotics and steroids, poor diet, and stress are the main culprits for causing yeast to grow out of control.” Her introduction was interesting and drew the reader in with an anecdote about her own illness. The first body paragraph then moved into a discussion of the overuse of antibiotics and the impact this could have on the bacteria living in our bodies. The second paragraph discussed diet.
“In addition, the American diet is also a breeding ground for Candida. We consume too much sugar, processed foods, drink too little pure water, and live lifestyles filled with stress. Yeast loves sugar, it thrives on it, and this is why those with Candida will crave sugar. Whether it is the refined carbohydrates that turn quickly to sugar after consumption or the high fructose corn syrup that seems to be in everything along with sucrose, fructose, glucose, lactose, maltose, and evaporated cane juice. Don’t be fooled by diet soda. Just because there are zero calories does not mean it is healthy for the body. The artificial sweeteners create an acidic environment in your body causing yeast to thrive.”
The essay went on to discuss the actions needed to rid the body of yeast and concluded with a discussion of how healthy Subject F felt now that she was yeast-free. This composition was much easier to read and was informative, leaving the reader with fewer questions.
Writing Task 2 demonstrates Subject Fs’ clear understanding of organization and idea development and also her increased skill and ease with using rhetoric to convey ideas. The introduction brings the reader in with its personal and humorous first sentences, providing background information before stating the thesis.
“Going to the baseball field, tennis court, hockey arena, and soccer field is familiar territory for our family. Oh let’s be honest, we don’t’ like soccer. We kicked soccer off the list a long time ago. Still, our family enjoys watching sports together. My husband and I started this tradition in our dating days. We would enjoy going to see our favorite AAA baseball team on Friday nights. In addition, my husband and I attended tennis tournaments in Newport, Rhode Island. And to this day, if there’s a Boston Bruins hockey game being played then we are on the couch in our favorite spots. Nevertheless, the kind of behavior that emerges from me and my husband differs when viewing baseball, tennis, as well as hockey.”
In the next paragraph of Writing Task 2, Subject F moved on to describe the way her husband behaved at a baseball game in comparison to her own behavior. Her use of comparison and contrast in the first body paragraph was effective, interesting and easy to follow.
“When my husband attends a baseball game it is serious business. For instance, it starts with getting to the park early, reading all the plaques (even if they’ve been read before), checking out any statues, and having a pencil and paper for keeping statistics. As you can see it is an educational experience for him. When I attend a baseball game it is play time. I want to sit in my seat, people watch, eat popcorn, and enjoy the game. However, there is no sitting down when we first enter the baseball field. Once again, we arrive to the park early, walk around the whole field, and take in all the sights. Then my proud husband leads his family around the stadium like a papa duck leads his ducklings. When we attend a baseball game there is one added bonus form my husband and that is catching a baseball. And if he catches a baseball, well then, it’s a perfect game.”
In the paragraphs that followed this one, Subject F continued the thread of the central idea by employing narrative. She told stories about her husband catching baseballs.
“I’ll never forget the day at PNC Park in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Our family was on vacation and we decided to make a stop to see my husband’s favorite baseball team, the Pittsburgh Pirates. The first order of business was to find the statue or Roberto Clemente, who was my husband’s childhood hero. We gazed upon the statue, read the plaque, took some pictures, and shed a few tears. My children understand what this man meant to their dad. We entered the park early to watch batting practice, of course. Then we stopped to peek over the railing in center field to catch a glimpse of beautiful PNC Park. All of a sudden, a baseball sailed right towards us, well actually right over our heads. There was now way my husband was going to let the ball go unclaimed. It was as if he was a little boy again. Off he went running, his feet never touched the ground, his arms flailing. My children and I just stood there, well behaved little ducklings, our faces uninspired. Papa duck had flown the coop, but returned back to the flock baseball in hand.
After her discussion of baseball, Subject F moved on to discuss tennis and hockey, again contrasting the details of the two very different atmospheres. She had clearly mastered her topic.
For Writing Task 3, Subject F wrote a review of the movie Midnight in Paris. For this essay, Subject F struggled again with the format because of the less personal nature of the content. The introduction jumped into a plot summary without preparing the reader for the topic or introducing the movie. The thesis was set apart in its own paragraph. Still, it was clear from a comparison of the final draft to the rough draft of the introduction, that Subject F was aware of the need for a delayed thesis and reader preparation.
After this initial struggle with the ideas of the introduction, the essay developed the clearly written thesis well. Subject F’s thesis was, “Midnight in Paris, nominated for best picture 2012, is a clean, fun, romantic comedy, superbly written and directed by Woody Allen and filled with wonderful acting and rich characters.” The first body paragraph went on to discuss Woody Allen and his direction of the film.
Allen, who started his writing and directing career in the 1960s and who usually stars in his films, casts Owen Wilson to play the Woody Allen figure and by doing so he continues to keep his personal alive. Allen opens the movie with a montage of Parisian sights set to an overture of a classic Sidney Bechet tune entitled Si Tu Vois Ma Mere. Allen assures the audience that no matter what the storyline will be, it will be impacted by the beautiful city of Paris and filled with pleasant melodies. He also use bright colors for the present day portion of the movie and moves to a sepia tone glow for the 1920s scenes, reminiscent of movies made in that era.
The next paragraph transitioned into a discussion of Owen Wilson’s character and these ideas and details too were well written and flowed easily, maintaining the central thread of meaning.
Owen Wilson (Marley & Me, Night at the Museum) plays the Woody Allen character with sincerity and whimsical grace. It’s fun to watch Wilson walk the streets of Paris because he uses classic Allen mannerisms while also keeping a uniqueness of his own. The conversations that take place between Gil and Inez seem very much unscripted, as though they were given permission by Allen to improvise. This style of acting is a typical Woody Allen artistic expression. Wilson’s portrayal of his character sparked my interest to watch Allen in one of his earlier films. Even if you are not a fam of Allens acting or intellectual humor you surely will find much enjoyment in this particular film.
While the introduction and thesis statement for Writing Task 3 are not woven as smoothly together as well as previous essays, it is still thorough, interesting for the reader, and clear in its ideas. Subject F has made significant progress in the development of her writing. This is especially clear in the final assessment. This test took place at the end of the intervention and gave students little time to draft and revise their ideas yet Subject F wrote an essay that was well organized with ideas developed in an interesting way.
The introduction for the final assessment uses an amusing anecdote and leads the reader skillfully to the strong thesis statement or central idea.
“I always wanted a sister. I grew up in a house with three brothers. I remember dressing my younger brother up as a girl and playing house with him. We had great fun together and still do to this day. I remember thinking “we could just make him a girl, dress him up as a girl, and no one would know.” My mom quickly informed me that my idea would not work and that was the end of my dreams of having a sister. Although it may be true that girls need girls and boys need boys it is more important to understand that we need other people in our lives to better understand ourselves.”
The first body paragraph then focused on how Subject F's husband better helped her understand herself. The second body paragraph discussed her best friend and the way she enriched her life. Finally, the third body discussed the most important subconcept of the essay and used transitions to bridge the ideas.
“Still I believe that our own children help us to better understand ourselves more than anyone else can. All three of my children are very different. I can see myself in all of them, the good and the bad. As I watch them grow into young adults and make some of the same choices I made whether right or wrong, it helps me to better understand them and have compassion for them. When I ‘m upset with one of my kids because of a bad choice and I want to shake them and say, “What were you thinking?” I’m quickly reminded of my own behavior and try to extend grace”.
The conclusion wrapped up the essay well by restating the thesis in the form of a question and summing up the key ideas.
Where would we be without other people in our lives? Whether it’s been my younger brother, my husband, my girlfriend, or my children, I have learned so much about myself from the love, understanding and truth these human beings have shared with me and allowed me to share with them.
In comparison to her initial assessment, this essay was much more focused and the ideas more clearly and effectively delivered and explicated. Subject F had made significant progress in her organization and idea development.
