Analysis of Change in Writing: Subject D
Subject D showed little significant growth in organization or idea development in his final assessment although he did show some improvement as he moved through the drafting process in Writing Task 2. Writing Task 3 lost some of its focus when the graphic organizer reverted back to the same format used for Writing Task 1, however, its central meaning remained somewhat clearer.
In his initial assessment, Subject D wrote a recognizable but boring and broad introduction that did not clearly introduce his thesis, which stated that “technological advances are taking negative impacts on our lives.”
Then in the second body paragraph the thesis was negated as Subject B discussed the benefits of technology without signaling that this was a concessionary statement. In fact, the paragraph began much like a second introduction to a second oppositional thesis.
“Since the caveman days humans have been making strives to live easier lifes. Technology has evolved greatly. A lot of our technology strives have been quite beneficial to our daily lives. Thinks like cars, planes, computers, internet, cell phones, space ships, television, radio, GPS, and telephones have all played a great role in developing our growing society and economy. The strives in aviation, maritime and quick communication are real reasons people are able to eat and have things like fresh water, food, and shelter are attributed to technology we have pioneered over the years. Without these things life on planet earth would be near impossible to survive with the amount of people and resources we are currently consuming. In conclusion to the benefits to modern technology, there are also ways we are not benefiting."
The third body paragraph then repeated the thesis, a subconcept, and an antithesis. While the ideas in the essay were compelling, their organization made it difficult for the reader to follow the development of ideas. In fact, there was little idea development.
“As thoughts of many scientists today, it is a commonly shared idea that the human race is overextending itself. In this day and age it is common knowledge that with the natural resources we are consuming currently, we will run out. By this theory, technologies that pioneered the human race will ultimately be our destruction. However technology could also get our race out of the jam we are in with our resources problem. We must find new ways to generate electricity, new sources of water, and to figure out a way not to be totally dependent on fossil fuels.”
In the fourth body paragraph, Subject D stated another subconcept in support of his thesis. He said that people have become “dependent on these technologies.” This paragraph was the most coherent, developing its idea thoroughly with specific examples.
“Also, another problem with the advances in the past is that people are totally dependent on these technologies. Most young people today cannot even properly write a letter. They are used to using their phones for communication by cell phone or text message. Also, another technology people are becoming too dependant on is the GPS. Often electronics are unreliable and fail. I believe that people should be able to read maps to navigate and write letters because these things will always work. The old materials are fool proof.”
For Writing Task 1, Subject D struggled with the thread of central meaning. The subconcepts of the essay, while interesting in and of themselves, did not support the thesis fully. In the introduction and on his graphic organizer, Subject D indicated that the thesis was, “the recent steady decline of the catch makes me wonder if I can make a living in this business, but the stories of ole give me hope for better times ahead and keep me going through the bad times.” This thesis, which was perhaps too broad, suggested that the purpose of the paper was to discuss both the decline of catch and the stories from the past.
The first body paragraph explained Subject D’s motivation and how he got into the fishing business. This suggested that the purpose of the paper was to introduce the reader to the writer’s life as a fisherman rather than to develop the stated thesis.
“The constant strive to succeed and make a living in this business is my motivation to getting out of bed at four a.m. every day. Yes, every day. 9-5 Charlies say that all us fisherman are crzy. No, we just have a serious addiction to the challenges the ocean serves up to us every day. This isn’t a job for us. It’s a way of life and it’s who we are. I myself am a 4th generation fisherman and I have had this serious addiction since I was about ten years old.”
The second and third body paragraphs addressed the issues that Subject D faced as a fisherman in Massachusetts and this could have been the thesis of the entire essay. Within these paragraphs several ideas were touched upon which could have been further developed in multiple paragraphs but which were instead clustered into two.
“As a fisherman in the state of Massachusetts I face a lot of issues. The fisheries in the past twenty years have taken a turn for the worst. There are currently less fish than ever and fishermen nowadays have a tough time making a living. The Division of Marine Fisheries has instituted many rules on trip limits, the amount of traps you can fish, and methods used to catch fish. In my opinion some rules are beneficial and some are not. It is a touchy subject because scientists make accusations from sample research to determine the amount of fish in the ocean. Often the numbers are thought to be quite wrong. From the sample research conducted by scientists, trip limits and quotas are implemented, which greatly affect the fishermen.”
In the paragraph above, Subject D mentioned the depletion of fish, rules implemented by the Division of Marine Fisheries, and the controversial nature of the limits and quotas imposed. These multiple topics could have been developed more thoroughly and in separate paragraphs.
For this intervention, students were asked to submit final drafts of graphic organizers that reflected the organizational structure and ideas within the essays themselves. Yet in the graphic organizer for Writing Task 1, Subject D listed some ideas that did not appear at all in the essay and others that were sequenced differently.
For Writing Task 2 Subject D wrote a much more organized essay and developed the ideas from his graphic organizer thoroughly. The introduction was interesting and relevant and led the reader to the thesis.
“The unexplored abyss of the Atlantic Ocean is home to many extraordinary creatures. The American lobster (Homarus Americanus) is one of the oldest creatures on the ocean floor. This crustacean is heavily researched and is a major component of the Northeastern United States economy. It is over a 365 million dollar industry. The physical features, migratory patterns, location, lobster harvesting, and repopulation of the species are all important to know when analyzing the lobster as an elusive creature.”
In his next paragraph, the first main body paragraph, Subject D went on to describe the physical features of the American lobster. The paragraph was organized and the pacing allows the reader to follow along with ease.
The American lobster has many great physical features. Each part of the lobster has a specific purpose, and is used to endure life on the bottom of the ocean. The American lobster is a crustacean with two large claws that are used to capture and crush its food. There is a crusher claw, which is larger than the other and is much stronger. The crusher claw also has its drawbacks. It is a lot slower than the other claw. This other claw is called the scissor claw. It is very sleek looking and fast. This claw is used for its quickness to catch its prey. Unfortunately lobstermen handling these creatures sometimes become the prey and are bitten, and when you get bit you will know it. A lobster’s claw strength is enough to make most people scream. The swimmerets underneath the tail fam oxygen into its gills and allow it to survive underwater. The intricate body of the lobster is one that could be analyzed for hours.
The following paragraphs were equally well organized and the ideas developed. The second body paragraph discussed the migratory patterns of the lobster, the third paragraph focused on harvesting lobsters, and the fourth paragraph described how lobsters repopulate.
For Writing Task 3, Subject D reverted back to a graphic organizer that did not arrange its ideas hierarchically, and as a result the essay itself lacked clearly differentiated and developed subconcepts though the central thread was still more stable than in the initial assessment.
In the first body paragraph, the first subconcept was vague and the details in the body of that paragraph do not help to clarify the idea. In fact, they seemed to support a different proponent.
Writing Task 3 was a critical review. In his thesis statement for the review of the film Good Will Hunting, Subject D wrote, “I personally thought the movie was well done for three reasons: the authenticity of the cast, the pure acting talent within the movie, and the underlying theme intertwined within the plot of the movie.”
In the first body paragraph, Subject D then attempted to develop the idea that the “authenticity of the cast in this movie is phenomenal.” This subconcept was similar to the second subconcept of the essay, which explored the talented acting. As the first body paragraph was developed it was difficult to connect the concept of “authenticity” to the supporting details. Instead, it seemed more a discussion of setting and plot.
“The authenticity of the cast in this movie was phenomenal. To start, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, the writers of the film are both from Boston and play the roles of poor Southy punks to a tee. If you have ever been to South Boston this is what ou see, groups of guys in their twenties bar hopping. The L St. Tavern, the local watering hole Will and his crew hang out at throughout the movie is the location where the plot is thickened and we get to know the characters. Throughout the movie many important things happen when Will and his crew are drinking. Will meets Skylar when he and his crew head uptown to crash a Harvard bar. This is when Will wins Skylar over by showing his extensive education off and shutting down a Harvard yuppie who tries to embarrass Chucky. Will sticking up for Chucky shows how anyone in the crew will lay themselves on the line to protect each other. This shows the true authenticity of the characters.”
While the second body paragraph did a good job of stating the subconcept clearly and developing it, the third body paragraph strayed again into ambiguity. The supporting idea of the second paragraph, according to the thesis statement, was about the movie’s “underlying theme.” The paragraph never directly stated the topic and it was difficult for the reader to find an implied idea because the details did not develop the concept fully enough. Instead it explained the character’s motivations.
“After watching the movie it causes you to look at why Will did all of the things he did. It makes you think why such an intelligent person like Will would be so confrontational and waste his time by getting drunk with his buddies. Not to mention he works as a janitor when he should be doing complex math and making a hefty salary. Will is scared. He is scared Skylar will not love him back, he is afraid of success, and fear of life in general. He feels that if he is successful, then his friends will not like him.”
In order for the paragraph to more clearly explore theme, Subject D needed to help the reader draw a connection between the character’s motivations and larger message about humanity and society.
In his final assessment Subject D again wrote an essay that did not take a particular stance on the issue presented in the prompt. Although he clearly stated in his thesis, “I personally believe that idealists contribute more to society than realists,” he did not develop this thesis thoroughly in the body of his essay. Instead, he explored both sides of the argument in two broad paragraphs before moving back to solidify his central idea.
"There are pros and cons to being an idealist. A few examples of pros that go hand in hand with being an idealist is that you might achieve your goal and accomplish something great. You might invent a machine that will someday save lives. On the other hand you might completely fail at your goal, which could leave you jobless or your failure could possibly ruin your life. These are just a few things to think about when setting your goals.
When looking at the realist point of view, setting mediocre goals might be the way to go. These are the average American working class people that run our great country. Our firefighters, teachers, policemen. These are peope who don’t set goals of becoming millionaires. These are the realists who support the idealist when they fail and don’t have jobs. The taxes the realists pay support the idealist when they fail and are jobless. So don’t get me wrong. I respect the realist point of view."
After this exploration of both sides of the issue, Subject D moved back to supporting his own thesis for a paragraph before concluding.
It was apparent that Subject D made some progress in his comprehension organization and idea development in writing. However, this progress was tenuous and erratic and only evident when instruction was scaffolded. When released to write independently, Subject D reverted back to his original cognitive behavior.
