Analysis of Change in Writing: Subject C

         Subject C demonstrated significant change in her writing from the initial assessment to the final assessment. The thread of central meaning in the compositions that followed the initial assessment was strengthened by the use of internal structures that developed ideas more clearly and thoroughly.

In her initial assessment, Subject C did not create a graphic organizer and the ideas in her composition read more as an unstructured freewrite than an organized essay. The introduction stated the thesis at the very beginning of the paragraph rather than delaying the idea until the reader had background information. Then the thesis was restated at the beginning of the first main body paragraph rather than introducing a subconcept that would further have further developed the central idea.

“We, as social beings in any society, are required to conform and obey laws and cultural norms so that there is social balance which I believe we need in order to live a normal life. Within conformity to live like our neighbors, to think like our community and to reshape ourselves in the image of others, there are other issues depending on what type of society one is in and what cultural values one is to follow. Within society there is the need to feel like you belong because we grow as we socialize. Indeed socializing is a very important process to our development as individuals."

            In this introduction it was difficult to follow the flow of ideas and determine the thesis. At the beginning of the paragraph, Subject C was clearly stating that she believes we need conformity and obedience to maintain social balance. Later, however, she also focused on the importance of socializing. Neither topic had been developed logically enough to stand out as a thesis.

            In the second body paragraph, Subject C moved from a restatement of the thesis to an example of the importance of conforming to social norms or laws.

“People often argue upon the issue of thinking individually and thinking as a group. I believe there are situations in which one has to give up a little bit of one’s individuality and conform to a given situation for the greater good. For example, a cigarette smoker would want to smoke wherever and whenever he/she feels like it but at the same time he/she lives within a society that prohibits smoking in certain areas. Therefore the smoker might have to conform to this rule so that he/she doesn’t harm anybody else around.”

            If Subject C had prepared a graphic organizer or outline that delineated her ideas beforehand, repetition would most likely have been avoided and ideas would have been more fully developed to explain and enhance the thesis.

            In the third body paragraph, Subject C strayed somewhat off topic and began to discuss her own difficulty with conformity as she assimilated into American society. Then, the thesis reversed somewhat and negated what was said earlier as the essay concludes.

“I believe there has to be a balance within life or if balance cannot be reached to at least be some sort of equilibrium between certain things people do. I wouldn’t say it is always harmful for an individual to think and live as other people do. I say this because it depends on what situation the individual is facing. For instance, I was not born to the American society nor the American way of living. When I came here I did feel the pressure to believe in the American dream and to conform to American laws and norms, which are not very different from where I lived before, or so I think because I am still learning about the American way of life.”

            The essay went on to discuss how difficult it was to assimilate and maintain an individual identity and it was clear that she had lost the thread of central meaning as she explored her own beliefs and began to see the complex nature of ideas surrounding the issue of conformity.

            In the concluding paragraph, Subject C considered individual identity rather than the necessity of conformity.

“For the most part I agree that conforming to other people’s opinions to think like our community or to reshape ourselves in the image of someone else to a certain degree it will be harmful to one’s freedom of expressing individual viewpoints either by thinking or by acts. But even in a complex multicultural society like the American society I believe one can still be an individual with uniqueness but at the same time contribute to the society as a community."  

            Without planning or prewriting strategies, Subject C was unable to remain focused on her topic and the thesis statement. Instead, she explored the topic and became more aware of her opinion as she wrote. Given the opportunity to revise this essay, Subject C might have begun with a thesis about individual identity and conformity.

            In Writing Task 1, Subject C wrote a somewhat more cohesive essay after developing her ideas in graphic organizers although she lost some focus in the body paragraphs. Still, the introduction presented the thesis statement or central idea and the first body paragraph presented a subconcept that supported the thesis and developed it further rather than restating the thesis.

“I define my mother as being purely special. This definition might not apply to all mothers, but to mine, it fits very well. You may wonder what makes my mother so special, and I can begin to tell you that it is not something different or anything out of the ordinary. What makes her so special is the little and big things she did and continues doing, that I sometimes take for granted.

Soon after my first birthday my father passed away, and I can only imagine how hard it was for my mother to take care of me without his help. My mother had to double herself to become both parents to me. Before my father left to Portugal, where he passed away, he told my mother to do everything possible to not let me get sick, to take very good care of me until he came back. I think because he didn’t come back alive my mother held on strongly to his words and did indeed everything she could to provide me with whatever I needed to grow strong and healthy. She worked, she put me into school expecting nothing less than good grades, and she taught me to behave properly wherever I went.”

            In the first body paragraph the subconcept was that her “mother doubled herself to become both parents.” The support for this idea didn’t come until the end of the paragraph after a narrative explanation of the death of her father. Still, in the initial assessment Subject C lost her thread of central meaning and never regained it while in this essay, the thread remained clearer.

            In her second body paragraph, Subject C implied rather than stated her subconcept, “the sacrifices she made for us,” directly. Again the style of the paragraph was narrative, and described how her mother worked days and went to school at night to earn a degree.

In the third body paragraph, Subject C lost the thread of the central idea. While her subconcept on the graphic organizer was “what I’ve learned from her,” the details of the paragraph itself told the story of the departure of her mother back to Portugal. It was difficult to connect the support back to the topic.

“My mother, my siblings and I came to the U.S. in 2008. We were very busy in the beginning, her trying to find a job while we, the children, were trying to enroll in school. She struggled a lot to find a job, and I hoped she could get one, but when she did get a job I became discouraged because I rarely saw her and spent time with her. Our relationship was also sacrificed.”

In this third body paragraph, Subject C eventually described some of the attributes of her mother that she had come to appreciate now that she was separated from her. Still it was an idea that the reader had to search for and then work to connect back to the central idea.

            For Writing Task 2, Subject C demonstrated a greater understanding of the internal structure needed to develop a central idea. The sequencing of ideas was stronger and the pacing was better controlled, with details staying more focused on the thesis. In the introduction, she stated her thesis that “Having too much in common [with a friend] is a problem, at least from my experience.” Then in the first body paragraph, Subject C clearly developed the idea that both she and her friend “experienced trauma as kids and talking about this” caused them to argue.

“Kenny’s trauma was a result of growing up in a violent neighborhood without any parent supervision in the custody of an abusive aunt. Quite lonely indeed, he grew up with no attention and care that a child needs and deserves. He has not forgiven his wrongdoers therefore I find him to be a little insensitive and cold sometimes. I, on the other hand, was hurt verbally by my own family members, but have forgiven them.”                       

            Subject C went on to discuss the conflict that occurred between herself and her friend because of their common experiences. Then in the second body paragraph, she transitioned smoothly to another similarity that she and her friend have in common.

“Another personality trait that is present in both of us is the fact that we tend to retreat into ourselves and avoid talking to each other when we are hurt. I recall the last time Kenny and I went to the movies.”

            The paragraph then described the situation that caused the conflict and the three months that went by without the friends speaking to one another. Subject C never strayed from her central idea and developed the thread of meaning more clearly than she had in the previous two essays.

            For Writing Task 3, Subject C demonstrated greater control of the thread of central meaning, writing a relevant and meaningful introduction that lead to the thesis and then developed subconcepts thoroughly before concluding.  The introduction began with a discussion of Avatar director James Cameron and then stated that “Avatar’s great animation and visual effects take your imagination to a world of fantasy where the events happening are not as important as how they are visually happening.” In the first body paragraph, Subject C summarized the plot of the movie. This worked well and it correlated with her graphic organizer.

            In the second body paragraph, Subject C stated that the “beauty of its visual effects in 3D and computer generated animation is so captivating your eyes stay hungry for more.” The body of the paragraph then explained how computers were used to create realistic Avatars.

“According to Robert Guthrie, this was made possible because of the technology of computer generated animation by taking the actors face features and computerizing them in the form of Avatars, keeping their motions concordant with those of the actors. The trick was to make unique skull caps for each actor and placing a micro camera inside of it capturing the motions of the actors and transmitting them to the computers.”

            The third paragraph of the composition focused on the way that technology illuminated the theme of the movie.

“Another great way Cameron used technology and computer generated animation in Avatar was by showing the beauty of an untouched nature and how humans are willing to destroy it in order to conquer something precious. Pandora is described as this beautifully colored planet with exotic animals and rich forests where trees are unbelievably tall and mountains float in air. As in the movie Avatar, human beings are constantly seeking something precious that the nature offeres and taking it sometimes harming our very precious life source which is nature itself.”

            In her initial assessment, Subject C struggled with the thread of central meaning, stating the thesis at the beginning of the introduction and then again in the first body paragraph. Eventually, she seemed to change her thesis altogether and go off on another thread. In her final assessment, Subject C began with an interesting question to hook the reader, and then gradually worked her way toward the central idea.

“Can you imagine living in a world where humans just couldn’t understand each other? How could we connect and make sense of things? Thankfully we have language, a set of symbols that enables communication, and history, which helps us understand us now through the lives of our ancestors. If by understanding others we understand ourselves and vice versa, then as social beings we need others in order to understand ourselves.”

Then in the first body paragraph she states and clearly develops a subconcept to support her thesis.

“One way we are able to understand ourselves with the help of other is by judgment of character by these others. Friends and peers are often a good source of judgment on one’s behavior and personality since we use them sometimes to confide our problems, frustrations and other things. They are able to assess how we behave given certain situations and are able to judge these behaviors, hence making us more aware of our own understanding of self.”

In the second body paragraph Subject C transitioned smoothly to another subconcept that supported and developed her central idea.  

“Another way others help us understand ourselves is because of the need we have to feel connected. In my opinion cultural norms and values are an influential determinant of one’s personality, and with people who share the same culture one feels connected, as in the sense of belonging.  I know from personal experience that I would rather be around people with whom I share the same culture then with people with whom I can’t culturally connect to. Although it is certain that I might learn differences from another culture and appreciate it, the connection to people from my own culture helps me understand why and how I act a certain way in some situations.”

Overall, Subject C demonstrated significant growth in organization and idea development. By engaging in consistent development of graphic organizers, she became more aware of the need for an internal thread of meaning within her compositions and used planning strategies even during the in-class final assessment to think through her ideas before writing the essay.