Analysis of Change in Writing: Subject B

            Subject B showed growth in written organization and idea development. In her initial assessment Subject B was beginning to define her topic but the development was still basic.  Support for her topic was attempted but the reader was left with more questions and a desire to see more of a connection between the thesis and the subconcepts. For example, in the introduction, in response to the prompt “What motivates people to change?” Subject B stated, “People change because of their heart and their creativity and because they want something different in their lives.”  However, in the first body paragraph, Subject B wrote:

“For me change has always been a good thing. I do not like to be staying in the same spot for a long amount of time. I love to change my looks, surroundings and often my personality. I love coloring my hair and I get bored with the way I look so I do temporary things to change that. I also love to rearrange my room and put things in different spots. You could say I get bored easily so changing little things helps with that.”

            This paragraph made a connection between the idea in the thesis and Subject B’s personal motivation for change. Yet it did not go far enough to connect the thesis to the subconcept and the subconcept must be inferred by the reader.

            The second and third main body paragraphs of Subject B’s initial assessment contained clearer subconcepts that supported and developed the thesis idea but the final body paragraph developed an idea that worked against or outside the thesis.

“Some people handle changes differently. People get in such routines that if something happens out of the their control, they don’t know what to do. These people don’t have anything that motivates them to change. They are happy with their life and don’t seem to want anything to change.”

                 This final body paragraph was irrelevant to the thesis. It might have worked as a concession in the first body paragraph or as an idea for the introduction but it was not tied in to the idea that people change “because of their heart.”

            All in all, this essay defined the topic and had basic development of some supporting ideas yet it needed further shaping and refining to be a strong argument. The organizational structure moved the reader through the text and had recognizable parts but some structure and more sophisticated idea development was still lacking.

            For Writing Task 2, Subject B showed growth in organization and idea development in comparison to her initial assessment. The task itself may have aided in this significant growth for Subject B because she selected a prompt that would allow her to write about a person who was special in her life and writing about a familiar subject is often easier. Nevertheless, Subject B wrote an inviting introduction that led smoothly to her thesis statement or central idea.

“George Washington once said, ‘My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her.’ Whenever given compliments on my personality, intelligence or physical features, I always say I got it from my mother. From the undeniable relative resemblance to her hardworking attitude I am proud to say I resemble my mother. I am so grateful to have such an inspiring role model, best friend and mother. Mother is so special to me because with every day that passes, my mother never ceases to amaze me. I admire her strength, guidance, and infinite love she shares with me and the world around her."

            This introduction and its accompanying thesis demonstrated a clear understanding of where the writer wants to take the reader. The thesis was clear and well-stated. The first body paragraph moved immediately into the first subconcept in the thesis. “In eighteen years, I can say confidently that I have never met a stronger woman than my mother.” It goes on to support in detail the idea that her mother is strong.

            The second body paragraph again clearly stated a subconcept and went on to develop it. “I am grateful to have a mom who has always shown me guidance and support throughout my life.” Again, Subject B goes on to support this idea with examples. The third and final body paragraph moved on to discuss and support the idea of  “infinite love.”

            It is clear that the creation of a graphic organizer combined with the personal nature of the subject has strengthened Subject B’s organization and idea development.

            Writing Task 3 also demonstrated improved written organization and idea development. This assignment was a critical movie review. The thesis was placed at the end of the introduction and clearly stated the central idea of the composition. This movie [The Blind Side] is a must see family film to be talked about for years to come.” In the first body paragraph, Subject B introduced the main conflict of the movie. In the second body paragraph she discussed the “believable acting and likable characters.”

“In perhaps the best performance of her career, Sandra Bullock in her portrayal of Leigh Ann Tuohy, the brassy southern belle convinces her husband Sean Tuohy to take in Michael. Sandra has a creditable southern accent with a bold and determined mind set to change this boy’s life around.”

This paragraph stayed focused on a discussion of the actors and their characters, and while the paragraph could have been broken into three or four paragraphs to discuss each actor’s performance, the subtopic was clear and the ideas well developed. The next and final body paragraph moved on to discuss and develop the “valuable lessons in resilience in achieving goals and how to get where you want to be in life.”