Subject A showed consistent change from his initial writing assessment to the final writing assessment. His organization of ideas strengthened, as did his content or idea development. Initially, Subject A did not demonstrate a clear understanding of the elements of an effective essay. For example, in the excerpt from Subject A’s initial assessment, there were  several organizational problems. While the essay began with a clear and somewhat interesting lead, it does not fully develop the thesis. It isn’t until the second paragraph that the thesis was really introduced in the first sentence. There he stated, “The good that comes from technology far outweighs the bad.”  This would have been fine in the essay of a student who understood fully the elements of an essay but in this case, the thesis was really the only broad point the student was making. He did not develop subconcepts to support the thesis. The second body paragraph of this essay went on to discuss a number of ideas that could become subconcepts or supporting idea paragraphs in a more organized essay.

“The good that comes from technology far outweighs the bad. Look at computers for instance, they make keeping records a piece of cake by using specific programs made for that. On top of that, it even generates jobs for those that really enjoy computers because we need programmers and IT guys for that kind of thing.”

Each of the ideas, record keeping and jobs, mentioned in the above paragraph could have been subconcepts that would have driven entire paragraphs.

Another problem with the essay structure and idea development in Subject A’s initial written assessment was that it strayed from supporting its own thesis. A concessionary  paragraph would have been an important element of a persuasive essay. However, in this case, in the second body paragraph, Subject A negated his own thesis by launching into a discussion of the “bad” aspects of technology.

“However, all that excitement is not to say that technology doesn’t come with some bad. Technology can bring danger too. This danger can come in the form of robbery or identity theft or unsecured websites where you enter personal information.”

A concessionary paragraph should have ultimately become a support for another proponent of the thesis. This would have taken the form of a rebuttal to the stated concession. Also, typically the concessionary paragraph should have come at the beginning of the essay so that the author could then work to rebut all concessions. Instead, this paragraph about the negative aspects of technology was the last main body paragraph of which there were only two. Subject A did offer some elements of rebuttal but these were stated in the conclusion and did not go far enough to counteract the damage to his argument done in the second paragraph.

"So with all this how can I justify the benefits of technology outweighing the bad? Well look at the paper you just printed, or the food you just bought with your debit card. Not only have we fallen into these creature comforts, the chances of the bad effects are almost nonexistent if you take care of your technology. How many times have you heard of a misfortunate event involving technology that was taken care of? Don’t shun technology, embrace it, it’s a good thing, it’s our future."

This was not done purposefully as a counterargument. There were no transitions to signal concession. Instead, he was failing to fully develop and support his thesis while also throwing the topic off course.

In Writing Task 1, after developing and revising a strong graphic organizer, Subject A wrote a stronger introduction than the introduction he wrote in his initial assessment. The introduction gave the reader background information and built to his thesis statement. For example, Subject A wrote, “It was around this time of isolation though, that I met my friend Devon, a quiet individual who has a lot about him that I admire.” This thesis effectively introduced the central idea of the composition.

Then in the first body paragraph, Subject A stated his first subconcept in the first sentence. “Devon is a very clever individual, and he definitely uses this to his and other’s advantage.” The rest of the paragraph explained how Devon was clever and gave examples to support the idea thoroughly. 

“Devon is a very clever individual, and he definitely uses this to his and other’s advantage. Although smarts are something that one can obtain through hard work, what makes this trait special is that Devon uses his ability to switch the subject if it’s beginning to bring the mood down. He uses relvance in his jokes, which can also turn a bad situation into a funny one. If only for a moment, anyways. For instance, about two weeks ago or so, he and I got into a huge argument over his body structure as he is a bit overweight. But it’s almost as if he enjoys it. Anyways, as the conversation went on, we just got more in each other’s face. He had to go eat dinner towards the end of the argument, and before he left he said that he was hiving rolls for dinner. I laughed so hard because he wasn’t really having rolls, but it was a joke that pertained to the subject we were discussiong. It wasn’t even really that funny, but it was because of the way he said it with such a smile that I started laughing so hard. The two of us must have laughed for a good minute or so, and then it was as if nothing had happened.”

The next subconcept followed in the second body paragraph. He wrote, “All jokes aside, Devon also has a kind side to him.” The body of this second paragraph needed to more clearly tie Devon’s kindness to the anecdote described. However, the essay was a far cry from the initial assessment in terms of organization and development.

For Writing Task 2, Subject A also demonstrated a better command of organization and idea development than in the initial assessment. The introduction had an interesting lead and drew the reader in by explaining why humans experience stress and the “fight or flight” theory. It moved logically to its thesis, which focused on the signs and symptoms of stress. In the first body paragraph the focus was on the cognitive symptoms of stress. “Cognitive weaknesses can begin to show when one experiences high, unsolved levels of stress. Noticing these changes in an individual usually requires a high level of attention to someone’s thought processes and reactions.” The paragraph went on to discuss “memory problems, inability to concentrate due to racing thoughts, and poor judgment.” The next paragraph discussed emotional symptoms and then transitioned nicely into the next paragraph about the physical symptoms of stress. “An effect of emotional symptoms left unnoticed or untouched can lead to physical issues.” Subject A went on to use anecdotal information to support this subconcept.

Writing Task 3 was a movie review and Subject A created a rough graphic organizer but did not revise this after receiving teacher feedback. However, the essay still had a level of organization that exceeded that of the initial assessment. The introduction began with information about the director and a quotation by the critic Peter Travers. It moved on to recommend Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World as a fun movie for anyone.  This was the thesis.

The first body paragraph described the plot of the movie and the first two sentences of the paragraph had a sense of humor.

“The premise of Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World is your typical love story. Typical is used in the sense that you find yourself locked in a situation where you have to defeat your girlfriend’s seven evil exes in order to win her heart, that is.” The paragraph continues describing the plot.  The next paragraph discusses the omission of certain details that would have enhanced audience knowledge. This paragraph, unlike one in the initial assessment, works better because it moves on to provide a rebuttal for the movie’s flaws. “But what’s given works and the result is a story that isn’t difficult to follow and you don’t get the feeling that it’s trying to shove it down your throat.” 

The next and final supporting paragraph discussed the lack of development in the supporting characters. This paragraph negated the thesis a bit too heavily and did not provide a strong rebuttal for the concession. If the movie was “fun for anyone to see” it should have ended on a more positive paragraph that supported this thesis.

In his final writing assessment, Subject A created a brief, rough graphic organizer and this impacted the development of supporting idea paragraphs that clearly explicated and advanced his thesis. However, the essay did show some improvement from his initial writing assessment in organization and idea development. The introduction worked its way toward the focused thesis statement, “Too many choices almost always leave you asking yourself, Did I choose right? and self doubt is a bad thing to have. It’s for this reason that too many choices are a bad thing.” The first body paragraph discussed the idea that too many choices can be overwhelming. It did a fairly good job of developing this one idea by stating the idea, explaining it, and supporting it with specific details.

“Let’s say you’re shopping for an outfit to sell yourself to someone you like. There are so many different combinations that it is overwhelming. So the first thing you do is narroy your choices, whether it be by colors, brand, price, or what you’ve been told you look good in. It’s at this point that you’ve cut away a jefty chunk of your choices and made your search easier. All these choices left you overwhelmed, or at least they did until you eliminated some of them.”

In his second main body paragraph of the final writing assessment, Subject A moved on to discuss the “mental experience” that goes along with having too many choices. His wording was a bit awkward and a “mental experience” could have included feeling overwhelmed. While this idea could have suggested that Subject A is continuing the thread of the previous paragraph, he was not. The paragraph moved on to discuss the insecurity of having to make a decision about a computer and then questioning the choice. Unfortunately, the idea had not been fleshed out clearly enough during planning and this weakened the clarity of the supporting idea and its development.

"By now you’re probably sitting there thinking, “that’s good, all those choices allow for plenty of decision” and while that is true, it doesn’t make it an easier mental experience. A few months ago I bought a computer for myself. I spent weeks searching through all my choices, reading reviews and comparing within my price range. Eventually I found a sale and the computer seemed to fit my criteria. I bought it and received it two days later. Within moments I realized that I had bought a bad computer and that I had only done it because I was tired of looking through so many choices."

Although he was not consistent in his use of graphic organizers, the final drafts of Subject A’s graphic organizers for the writing tasks became more organized and contained more relevant and thorough content after he received teacher feedback on the rough drafts. In each of his subsequent writing tasks, Subject A also showed consistent change from the initial writing assessment. With consistent emphasis on planning in writing, Subject A began to form habits of the mind. A one-semester course set him on the road to becoming more cognizant of the need for planning, but future courses are needed to reinforce the ideas introduced in this one.