Analysis of Change in Writing: Subject E
Subject E: Analysis of Change in Writing
Subject E demonstrated significant change in his comprehension of organization and idea development. In his initial assessment, Subject E did develop his thesis with some clear subconcepts, however, the central thread of meaning flowed less smoothly than in later essays and the thesis was restated in the third paragraph in such a way that it interrupted the flow of ideas. In response to the essay prompt, Subject E stated in his thesis that, “To change is to risk something. Not to change is a bigger risk.” He then moved into his first subconcept and began to develop it.
“Sometimes to change is something that is forced upon us. To me that is the epitome of an outside motivator. Death of loved ones, disease, changes in the economy, these are outside influences that cannot always be anticipated. Although one must make their own internal decision to find or maintain motivation, the original influence comes from outside of us in cases such as these.”
The concepts in the first body paragraph seemed to be an introduction to the ideas that will drive the thesis. Then the second body paragraph restated the thesis, throwing the reader off track. Then it moved to the idea that it was important to expect change. The lack of adequate transitions combined with the repetition of the thesis made it difficult to follow the paper’s flow. We began to see where the paper was going toward the end of the second body paragraph before the thesis was repeated for a third time.
“To change is to risk something. Not to change is a bigger risk. One of the most important and vital lessons I have ever learned is to expect change. Change is inevitable and to resist and/or deny it can be your undoing. Too many times do we as people insist and rely on something to remain consistent. Then if and when that thing changes or runs out we are unprepared and can sometimes become wrapped up in a harmful cycle of denial. Change can be risky. But to not change can ruin you.”
The third body paragraph still left the reader waiting for a better understanding of the risks associated with refusal to change. We understood from the second paragraph that being unprepared for change can create a harmful cycle of denial, yet this idea was not developed further in the next paragraph. Instead Subject E discussed another idea that strayed from the thesis.
“Although change can be voluntary, it can also be self influcted or motivated. Things like diets, quitting bad habits, getting a new job. These can be decisions that we self motivate ourselves into doing. Even self-motivated changes are also influenced or at least planted in our minds because of outside pressure.”
This paragraph reverted to developing an earlier idea mentioned in the introduction instead of the thesis statement and left the reader feeling as though the thesis was never fully explained or supported.
In Writing Task 1 Subject E wrote an essay with ideas that flowed smoothly and details that enhanced the subconcepts. Though written in a narrative style with most subconcepts implied rather than stated directly, it was easy to follow the thread of central meaning. Although within the text of the essay one of the subconcepts from the graphic organizer seemed to be blended with another subconcept that had been designated its own paragraph, the blending of ideas worked and did not impede comprehension.
In his thesis, Subject E stated, “I love, respect and hold both of my parents in such high regard that sometimes, when I find myself thinking of them, I get goose bumps.” Although this idea was placed at the beginning of the introduction, it worked well and led to a more specific sentence at the end of the paragraph that stated, “They immigrated to the United States, raised a family, and have a great work ethic that drove them to achieve their goals.” The body of the essay went on to develop and support these ideas.
“To move to the U.S. and learn a whole new language is something that I have always found to be very admirable. I can’t imagine myself being able to do it; just the though of it seems so daunting and intimidating. Both of my parents are people who have done this. My father came from Cape Verde,. My mother came from Portugal. As a kid growing up, they tried to teach me how to speak Portuguese. I never quite caught on. I used to ask them how thy learned how to speak English so well. They told me that it was a combination of being around the language all of the time and from watching English television. So I would sit down in front of the T.V. for hours to watch the Portuguese channel intensely. This only lead to my asking my parents again how they really learned English, bcause I was in disbelief of how they did it. I’m well aware of the millions of peope that move to different countires and learn new languages. It’s not just my parents that admire for this, and I am very impressed by anybody who can accomplish it; I’m just very proud that my parents are two of those millions of people.”
On his graphic organizer for Writing Task 1, Subject E’s subconcept for this paragraph was, “my parents immigrated.” In the essay he developed this idea clearly and the reader had no trouble following the central thread of meaning. Then in the second body paragraph, Subject E moved on to discuss his parents’ work ethic. Although this paragraph did not have a directly stated central idea, it was clear anyways. The paragraph itself is long though and would benefit from further organization and division of ideas.
Again in Writing Task 2 Subject E had benefited from the planning process and wrote a well organized and developed essay that conveys ideas in an interesting way. The introduction drew the reader in and then presented its thesis. The body paragraphs never directly stated the subconcepts yet they were clear anyways and correlated to the ideas on the graphic organizer, telling a story while conveying the deep inner conflict at the core of the essay.
The essay was written to convey the author’s complex feelings around the loyalties he felt to the army and the desire to reenlist for another tour and the guilt of causing his family to worry about him. The first body paragraph then gave the reader background by telling us briefly about his first enlistment, at age 17, just two months before September 11 in 2001. At that time he pledged his loyalty to the United States army. His parents had to give legal permission because he was underage and this was difficult for them. The second body paragraph then moved into telling the story of his reenlistment on the anniversary of September 11, eight years later.
“Eight years later I was standing on centerfield in Fenway Park in Boston, Massachusetts. My right hand was raised again and I was reenlisting into the army for another three years. The army had graciously decided to have a grand reenlistment ceremony in the historic ball park in memory of the events that had taken place just eight years prior. This time I was not a minor and I didn’t need the legal permission of my parents in order to stay in the military. For reasons that had nothing to do with legality though, I still had a desire for my parents’ approval.”
The next paragraph told the story of how Subject E informed his mother that he wanted to reenlist and the heated argument that followed. In the final body paragraph, the story was concluded with his parent's acceptance of his decision. The essay reflected a strong understanding of implied rather than stated central ideas and flowed smoothly without losing the thread of central meaning.
Writing Task 3 was a critical review of a movie and Subject E again wrote an essay that clearly developed his central idea with focused subconcepts and supporting details. The introduction, though a bit awkwardly worded, was interesting and set the stage nicely for a thesis that was placed at the end of the paragraph.
The first body paragraph of Subject E’s movie review introduced the cast and gave a plot synopsis of the film. Though this paragraph was a bit long and could have been divided into two paragraphs, it was clearly written and transitioned neatly to the themes that were discussed in the second and third body paragraphs.
“Throughout the training that Miyagi and Daniel undertake together we get to see what can be described as a father/son bond begin to develop between the two of them. With Daniel having lost his father at a young age and Miyagi having lost his son and wife due to complications at childbirth, they seem ti fill in the voids that each of them has in their lives. As the training continues Daniel learns not only karate but also important life lessons such as the importance of balance, reflected by the belief that martial arts training is as much about training the spirit as the body. Daniel applies the father-like life lessons that Miyagi has taught him to strengthen his relationship with Ali and achieve harmony in his new life in California.”
Subject E wrote a conclusion that was relevant, purposeful and convincing, addressing today’s moviegoers.
“The movie is not just about an old guy who teaches a young kid karate so that he can kick some bully’s butt. It is about friendship and courage. In an age where it costs twenty plus dollars to go see a movie that has a quarter billion dollar budget and will give you motion sickness and partial hearing loss due to the outrageous special effects, it’s nice to be able to sit back on the couch for little to no cost and enjoy a simple movie that tells a great story. Special effects have their place in the world of movies but it’s the moies that don’t need all the explosions, fifty foot tall killer robots, aliens, mutants and machine guns that can truly capture and do great justice to the art of film making. The Karate Kid is one of those films. And if you fall in love with this film there is good news. The story continues in parts two and three.”
Again, in the final assessment Subject E wrote an essay with thesis and subconcepts that followed a clearer thread of central meaning than in his initial assessment. He argued that, “People do benefit from having many choices” and divided his discussion into two key ideas, permanence and impermanence.
“One key variable is that some choices are more permanent than others. A prime example of this is tattoos. To put it simply, it doesn’t take a stretch of the imagination to envision what would happen if there were only three kinds of tattoos that people could get. I think it is safe to say that the popularity of tattoos would decrease dramatically. This would not only hurt individuality, but injure if not collapse the tattoo industry as we know it. This same logic can be applied to many things that contribute to making our society function. Let’s face it. If Honda only made one car and Ford made ten different types that appealed to ranging demographics of people then Ford would clearly thrive much more than Honda.”
In his initial essay, Subject E strayed from his thesis statement and seemed to lose the thread of meaning. Whereby in Subject E's final assessment the reader could follow the ideas and was persuaded by the reasons and supporting details. The second body paragraph discussed choices that are impermanent.
“When it comes to choices that are not as permanent, then it is really a matter of money that makes a big difference as to whether or not many choices are better than few. With this considered, having many choices in price creates more opportunity for society. If there were three types of house and they all were priced at one million dollars or more then people in the middle and lower classes simply would not be able to live in homes. Having many choices allows for trial and error. If you don’t like what you picked then try another.”
Subject E showed significant growth in his written organization and idea development. He learned not only how to structure an introduction, create and support subconcepts, and write a meaningful conclusion, he also became adept at writing paragraph with implied rather than directly stated central ideas.
